my best cousin... (ordinary plan to visit my grandma)

i know you are home by now...
i know this is what you've been expecting to be home and i'll be home this weekend to see you once again...

i know i must start complying my promise to take you to a peaceful place when our loving grandma was lying there, and this is one of the wish-lists that i shall do shortly while i am still having a chance to do and to be with you

for an almost 2 months, when you were under treatment in that hospital, i could see the pain and feel the agony carried by you in every of your hidden smile, and i could feel into my bones before going fall asleep every night

and i could echo every wish you said about taking you out as you didn't belong to that hospital but we were faced with only one alternative to keep you there for a while until doctor agrees to let you go back home

and last week, i got the best sms of the month when my uncle told me you are now a free man, and i can't wait to see you this weekend

one earnest thing i must do is to take you to the graveyard to pay homage to our loving grandma....

back to october, on one hot and humid friday, when i first met you after 10-year of separating, when tears seemed to be flowing like a falling rain, i was speechless when knowing that you did not know that our loving grandma had passed away almost 5 years ago

when telling this fact, you were suddenly in tears, and perhaps, you cried too much that day and i was sharing the tears of sadness as i could not understand why people around you did not tell you this truth

that's why i promised myself that day to take you to our loving grandma when you are out from this hospital and i'll do it

to be frank,
i don't know what it is going to be when we are in the grandma's graveyard, and still i don't know if i have to be honest

the last october when i went there with my adorable mother, i was bursting into tears when reaching this graveyard, and i was sort of feeling i didn't have any power to control my flowing tears as i kept crying like the moment when i knew grandma was taken back to heaven

anything related to grandma can trigger my utmost fragility and it is very obvious

if i can lengthen this story, weeks before my visit to the graveyard, my grandma was coming into my dream, smiling at me while telling me nothing, only that kind of look that i knew i must go back praying and praying for her

suddenly one of the fragilest moments of my life was back in mind...

suddenly i remember those final days before heaven too her away for eternity, i was there on one decent friday afternoon to pay her a visit after knowing that she was unable to speak any longer, even she could not open her eyes and only intravenous was the thing that kept her alive

much was the agony and i was there to witness this...
and i came closer to her bed, holding her weaking right hand, and my mother wisphered to her left ear that...
... "Tony was coming all the way from Jakarta to see Ma",
... and ..... suddenly,.... she was able to open her eyer for a minute or so...
... then she looked at me for a very while...
... then she started crying as tears flowing down....
... then she hold tightly my right hand...
... and i was crying like a little kid knowing this miracle might last for a minute or so...

i cried and cried uncontrollably....
i cried like there was no one there to see or hear me crying....
i cried like i've never cried before....
i cried and just cried....

when she was too weak to hold my hand, i knew what was happened was purely a miracle and i knew that moment would last forever in my life, and i knew my grandma was sent to this world to allow me witnessing the greatness of love and life

i was there for many moments until i could control myself which is extremely hard to do before finally leaving and going back again in the following days -4 times in the row- only to see and pray her

now all are behind me
the past memories of my grandma would last forever
and what she did to me -when i was a kid- was unbelievably sweet
and that what makes my childhood a very memorable one

now if i shall be looking back for what i've learnt, i wish i had done enough to people who love me most in this life

at least, i would seize every chance to make them happy
at least, i would seize the chance to tell them that i love them
at least, i would seize the very moment to say that i care about them

one thing for sure, time is passing and clock is ticking
once it is passed, it is never taken back again no matter how hard you try
that's why i keep saying life is once, live it to the fullest
that's why if you have a chance to love, love it like it's never going to hurt
and that is the only way to live to the fullest