many to tell but few to write...
but a call this morning from my best friend "frank" in papua, sharing a terrible loss of our friend in malang who has just reached 40 years of age this year was surely a thing to write
but still i don't know how to start until i find this sentence " the more you live the less you die"...
a friend who has just passed away seems to be unjust if judged by age he has just earned, however, it emerges to be just if judged by life style he has stamped upon in this world
life style is not something i love talking about but this is something i shall write about because life style would determine how well we could reward this life in the fullest meaning while it is our fullest responsibility to live this decent life responsibly as rewarded by our Dear Lord
we -you and me- could color this life with red or white
we -you and me- could decorate this life with flower or grass
we -you and me- could paint this life with limitation or possibilities
it is all up to you... it is all up to me... it is all up to us
if you want to choose this life in negative ways then you'll be faced with a series of limitations that keep coming out from out mouth or thinking or attitudes and this will be combined with load of grievances too
if you want to choose this life in positive ways then you'll be rewarded with a series of possibilities that trigger ton of adrenalines to keep you developing and growing from time to time and this will be wrapped with a pool of joys in your heart
whether you choose being negative or positive remains an option
nothing is wrong or right, nothing is judged here as nothing is just or unjust
it is all about choice
As time goes by and some facts of loosing decent friends due to wrong life style are real, i'm now starting to think to which extent i shall talk about this healthy life style, a style that i've lived up in the past years that has brought plenty of contentment in my life
to some extends i'm still mixed to unveil my worry of telling others, but i know i'll do with my own style, sticking to my way of right eating and right exercise when it comes to speak the truth, and letting others know that i'm a happy man as i live my healthy life style
but then is it enough?
i don't know...
to be frank, i'm living a fact that my daddy is not a healthy life style person, and this is the reason why i've the extreme side of him by living my life in the healthier way since young age
i'm living with worries, if not fears, when seeing how hard it has been for him to battle his love on food and i knew by heart that he has failed many times with temptation of good food and continued struggling until today
and all foods seem to be the reasons behind healthy problems he carries in the past 15-20 years, and to some extent, he entirely depends on pills described by the experts (do you know what i mean, right?)
so, at the end, i'm compromising with myself to be a good influencer to my loved ones without forcing them, but showing the true facts of my life while steadily talking about the joy of being a healthy life style person
at least, i want them to see the joy of being in shape, the bliss of staying away from illness and the contentment of being healthy
i wish i had done enough, i wish my love of sport has been a decent path for my nephews and nieces to follow, and i wish my love of right eating has been a road for my loved ones to take up... i wish... and i wish...
at least, i know my best nephew "mo" has been with me in the past 2 years, and he has just been excellent in shape or fitness and continues living this healthy living in many senses
and i know all can be perfected when learning yoga, and now wonder i'm an earnest yogi in the past 2 years, and i've been committed to be a yogi for the rest of my life
now i must leave you for a while as thursday is getting later as pile of works is getting larger
no more cry for unjust life as we must to try our healthy life
Thursday 11 December 2008
my best cousin... (ordinary plan to visit my grandma)
i know you are home by now...
i know this is what you've been expecting to be home and i'll be home this weekend to see you once again...
i know i must start complying my promise to take you to a peaceful place when our loving grandma was lying there, and this is one of the wish-lists that i shall do shortly while i am still having a chance to do and to be with you
for an almost 2 months, when you were under treatment in that hospital, i could see the pain and feel the agony carried by you in every of your hidden smile, and i could feel into my bones before going fall asleep every night
and i could echo every wish you said about taking you out as you didn't belong to that hospital but we were faced with only one alternative to keep you there for a while until doctor agrees to let you go back home
and last week, i got the best sms of the month when my uncle told me you are now a free man, and i can't wait to see you this weekend
one earnest thing i must do is to take you to the graveyard to pay homage to our loving grandma....
back to october, on one hot and humid friday, when i first met you after 10-year of separating, when tears seemed to be flowing like a falling rain, i was speechless when knowing that you did not know that our loving grandma had passed away almost 5 years ago
when telling this fact, you were suddenly in tears, and perhaps, you cried too much that day and i was sharing the tears of sadness as i could not understand why people around you did not tell you this truth
that's why i promised myself that day to take you to our loving grandma when you are out from this hospital and i'll do it
to be frank,
i don't know what it is going to be when we are in the grandma's graveyard, and still i don't know if i have to be honest
the last october when i went there with my adorable mother, i was bursting into tears when reaching this graveyard, and i was sort of feeling i didn't have any power to control my flowing tears as i kept crying like the moment when i knew grandma was taken back to heaven
anything related to grandma can trigger my utmost fragility and it is very obvious
if i can lengthen this story, weeks before my visit to the graveyard, my grandma was coming into my dream, smiling at me while telling me nothing, only that kind of look that i knew i must go back praying and praying for her
suddenly one of the fragilest moments of my life was back in mind...
suddenly i remember those final days before heaven too her away for eternity, i was there on one decent friday afternoon to pay her a visit after knowing that she was unable to speak any longer, even she could not open her eyes and only intravenous was the thing that kept her alive
much was the agony and i was there to witness this...
and i came closer to her bed, holding her weaking right hand, and my mother wisphered to her left ear that...
... "Tony was coming all the way from Jakarta to see Ma",
... and ..... suddenly,.... she was able to open her eyer for a minute or so...
... then she looked at me for a very while...
... then she started crying as tears flowing down....
... then she hold tightly my right hand...
... and i was crying like a little kid knowing this miracle might last for a minute or so...
i cried and cried uncontrollably....
i cried like there was no one there to see or hear me crying....
i cried like i've never cried before....
i cried and just cried....
when she was too weak to hold my hand, i knew what was happened was purely a miracle and i knew that moment would last forever in my life, and i knew my grandma was sent to this world to allow me witnessing the greatness of love and life
i was there for many moments until i could control myself which is extremely hard to do before finally leaving and going back again in the following days -4 times in the row- only to see and pray her
now all are behind me
the past memories of my grandma would last forever
and what she did to me -when i was a kid- was unbelievably sweet
and that what makes my childhood a very memorable one
now if i shall be looking back for what i've learnt, i wish i had done enough to people who love me most in this life
at least, i would seize every chance to make them happy
at least, i would seize the chance to tell them that i love them
at least, i would seize the very moment to say that i care about them
one thing for sure, time is passing and clock is ticking
once it is passed, it is never taken back again no matter how hard you try
that's why i keep saying life is once, live it to the fullest
that's why if you have a chance to love, love it like it's never going to hurt
and that is the only way to live to the fullest
i know this is what you've been expecting to be home and i'll be home this weekend to see you once again...
i know i must start complying my promise to take you to a peaceful place when our loving grandma was lying there, and this is one of the wish-lists that i shall do shortly while i am still having a chance to do and to be with you
for an almost 2 months, when you were under treatment in that hospital, i could see the pain and feel the agony carried by you in every of your hidden smile, and i could feel into my bones before going fall asleep every night
and i could echo every wish you said about taking you out as you didn't belong to that hospital but we were faced with only one alternative to keep you there for a while until doctor agrees to let you go back home
and last week, i got the best sms of the month when my uncle told me you are now a free man, and i can't wait to see you this weekend
one earnest thing i must do is to take you to the graveyard to pay homage to our loving grandma....
back to october, on one hot and humid friday, when i first met you after 10-year of separating, when tears seemed to be flowing like a falling rain, i was speechless when knowing that you did not know that our loving grandma had passed away almost 5 years ago
when telling this fact, you were suddenly in tears, and perhaps, you cried too much that day and i was sharing the tears of sadness as i could not understand why people around you did not tell you this truth
that's why i promised myself that day to take you to our loving grandma when you are out from this hospital and i'll do it
to be frank,
i don't know what it is going to be when we are in the grandma's graveyard, and still i don't know if i have to be honest
the last october when i went there with my adorable mother, i was bursting into tears when reaching this graveyard, and i was sort of feeling i didn't have any power to control my flowing tears as i kept crying like the moment when i knew grandma was taken back to heaven
anything related to grandma can trigger my utmost fragility and it is very obvious
if i can lengthen this story, weeks before my visit to the graveyard, my grandma was coming into my dream, smiling at me while telling me nothing, only that kind of look that i knew i must go back praying and praying for her
suddenly one of the fragilest moments of my life was back in mind...
suddenly i remember those final days before heaven too her away for eternity, i was there on one decent friday afternoon to pay her a visit after knowing that she was unable to speak any longer, even she could not open her eyes and only intravenous was the thing that kept her alive
much was the agony and i was there to witness this...
and i came closer to her bed, holding her weaking right hand, and my mother wisphered to her left ear that...
... "Tony was coming all the way from Jakarta to see Ma",
... and ..... suddenly,.... she was able to open her eyer for a minute or so...
... then she looked at me for a very while...
... then she started crying as tears flowing down....
... then she hold tightly my right hand...
... and i was crying like a little kid knowing this miracle might last for a minute or so...
i cried and cried uncontrollably....
i cried like there was no one there to see or hear me crying....
i cried like i've never cried before....
i cried and just cried....
when she was too weak to hold my hand, i knew what was happened was purely a miracle and i knew that moment would last forever in my life, and i knew my grandma was sent to this world to allow me witnessing the greatness of love and life
i was there for many moments until i could control myself which is extremely hard to do before finally leaving and going back again in the following days -4 times in the row- only to see and pray her
now all are behind me
the past memories of my grandma would last forever
and what she did to me -when i was a kid- was unbelievably sweet
and that what makes my childhood a very memorable one
now if i shall be looking back for what i've learnt, i wish i had done enough to people who love me most in this life
at least, i would seize every chance to make them happy
at least, i would seize the chance to tell them that i love them
at least, i would seize the very moment to say that i care about them
one thing for sure, time is passing and clock is ticking
once it is passed, it is never taken back again no matter how hard you try
that's why i keep saying life is once, live it to the fullest
that's why if you have a chance to love, love it like it's never going to hurt
and that is the only way to live to the fullest
Thursday 4 December 2008
one decent gift from my writer's friend
02.41pm was a blast when this young postman arrived to knock my door
unlike yester thursdays, this thursday i was indulged by one small parcel which was sleekly wrapped in brown wrapping and my name was printed on it, it was a gift sent from bandung, it was a gift from my dear writer's friend..
i was joyful to know this decent gift was a token of christmas where santa claus was smiling in this unique creation of wooden craft, and i must say how thankful i was to receive such gift
if i can be honest, this is my first-received-gift on this december, and i'm hopeful you don't mind if i put this gift on this working table until christmas and new year is over in the next 4 weeks time
suddenly my afternoon was shifted into blissful mood
suddenly this santa made me smile that christmas was just around the corner
suddenly i know i have been so lucky to have known you
load of thanks, my dear writer's friend:)
unlike yester thursdays, this thursday i was indulged by one small parcel which was sleekly wrapped in brown wrapping and my name was printed on it, it was a gift sent from bandung, it was a gift from my dear writer's friend..
i was joyful to know this decent gift was a token of christmas where santa claus was smiling in this unique creation of wooden craft, and i must say how thankful i was to receive such gift
if i can be honest, this is my first-received-gift on this december, and i'm hopeful you don't mind if i put this gift on this working table until christmas and new year is over in the next 4 weeks time
suddenly my afternoon was shifted into blissful mood
suddenly this santa made me smile that christmas was just around the corner
suddenly i know i have been so lucky to have known you
load of thanks, my dear writer's friend:)
... giving ...
giving is one word
giving is what you and me can do to the lesser ones
giving is a give-away attitude without asking
giving is all you and me shall do
both kids below are partly of my giving
i want to do more giving to this wonderful world especially to those lesser ones
and i want to do it in my best capacity
and i'm committed to do it
when giving is my joy
i want to make giving as my way of life
giving is nothing to do with taking
giving is just giving, without asking to be taking back
giving is my wish
if giving is what i can do today
i wish to do another giving when tomorrow comes
i'm dreaming of giving more to the lesser ones tonight
and i wish our Dear Lord would give me more chances to do this giving
if giving is my destination
i wish to be accompanied by someone who loves giving
i wish to be with someone who adores giving
i wish to be loved by someone who enjoys giving
and i wish to marry someone with giving heart
giving is what i can do least
giving is giving
i wish my giving heart won't last when 2009 starts
i dream my giving heart would blast when 2009 kicks off
i wish for every giving moment
if my life can be a blessing of others
i wish my giving talent is the answer to this world
if my life can be a benefit of others
i wish my life can be more benificial for lesser ones
if my life can be a source of smile
i wish it would be for those who want to pursue study
if my help can be an answer for your worry of tomorrow
i wish your worry of continuing school is waived by my commitment
at least, i started this year with two amazing kids, kanisius and yosias
i wish both of you ton of lucks
i'll be your biggest supporter in this life
my thankfulness to our Dear Lord who allows making this happens
my giving heart is always for those lesser ones
in giving heart i trust my future
in giving hearr i feel the joy of life
giving is what you and me can do to the lesser ones
giving is a give-away attitude without asking
giving is all you and me shall do
both kids below are partly of my giving
i want to do more giving to this wonderful world especially to those lesser ones
and i want to do it in my best capacity
and i'm committed to do it
when giving is my joy
i want to make giving as my way of life
giving is nothing to do with taking
giving is just giving, without asking to be taking back
giving is my wish
if giving is what i can do today
i wish to do another giving when tomorrow comes
i'm dreaming of giving more to the lesser ones tonight
and i wish our Dear Lord would give me more chances to do this giving
if giving is my destination
i wish to be accompanied by someone who loves giving
i wish to be with someone who adores giving
i wish to be loved by someone who enjoys giving
and i wish to marry someone with giving heart
giving is what i can do least
giving is giving
i wish my giving heart won't last when 2009 starts
i dream my giving heart would blast when 2009 kicks off
i wish for every giving moment
if my life can be a blessing of others
i wish my giving talent is the answer to this world
if my life can be a benefit of others
i wish my life can be more benificial for lesser ones
if my life can be a source of smile
i wish it would be for those who want to pursue study
if my help can be an answer for your worry of tomorrow
i wish your worry of continuing school is waived by my commitment
at least, i started this year with two amazing kids, kanisius and yosias
i wish both of you ton of lucks
i'll be your biggest supporter in this life
my thankfulness to our Dear Lord who allows making this happens
my giving heart is always for those lesser ones
in giving heart i trust my future
in giving hearr i feel the joy of life
Wednesday 3 December 2008
the thought of you
the thought of you never goes anywhere
when sun shines brightly like now, when rain pours harshly like yesterday, the sweet thought of you will remain in our heart and i must write this thankful writing as my way of remembering your abundant love to me
if i can recall...
there was a time in my life when life seemed to be an uphill climb, you were there for me, offering any helping hands and sharing your warm hugs to waive any fear when my worries looked immense to take up
there was a time in my life when failure was closer, you were standing there for me, convincing that i belonged to winning circle, hence, i should not quit no matter how hard i might have been hit or punched by this world
there was a time when frawn was painted everywhere, you were there for always, being my source of smiling and strength, something that this world was rarely seen and you were there showering me with genuine faithfulness of loving me unconditionally
there were many times, many moments in this life, and those moments made you so special, first in my eyes, then in my heart before i realise you were definitely sent by our Dear Lord to save my life
thank-you, grandma...
thank-you might not be enough but thank-you is all i have
my thankfulness might be lesser in meaning but it is more in feeling
i miss you...
i miss you, grandma...
i miss you with all my heart
(rest in peace)
when sun shines brightly like now, when rain pours harshly like yesterday, the sweet thought of you will remain in our heart and i must write this thankful writing as my way of remembering your abundant love to me
if i can recall...
there was a time in my life when life seemed to be an uphill climb, you were there for me, offering any helping hands and sharing your warm hugs to waive any fear when my worries looked immense to take up
there was a time in my life when failure was closer, you were standing there for me, convincing that i belonged to winning circle, hence, i should not quit no matter how hard i might have been hit or punched by this world
there was a time when frawn was painted everywhere, you were there for always, being my source of smiling and strength, something that this world was rarely seen and you were there showering me with genuine faithfulness of loving me unconditionally
there were many times, many moments in this life, and those moments made you so special, first in my eyes, then in my heart before i realise you were definitely sent by our Dear Lord to save my life
thank-you, grandma...
thank-you might not be enough but thank-you is all i have
my thankfulness might be lesser in meaning but it is more in feeling
i miss you...
i miss you, grandma...
i miss you with all my heart
(rest in peace)
i'm worried
i'm worried if today will only last till midnight when this critical illness will take you away from this wonderful world, despite i know, it does mean you'll be freed from all agonies of life that have hammered you in the past 1 year
i'm worried...
i'm worried if what doctors said turns out to be true that hours are now being counted as your presence to this world is limited till thursday early morning when hopelessness is the only word to describe you and the world
i'm worried...
i'm worried if my last visit of 2.5 months ago would turn out to be our final moment of being together for which all tears seemed to have been dried up as no weep left to shy that anguish of that day
i'm worried...
i'm worried if last night's call which ended up unaswered was the only token that you had nothing left to say as nothing more to comment because this misery was too much to carry on when life seems to be least meaningful
i'm worried...
i'm worried at most by now
i'm worried if you might leave me at any minutes from now
i'm worried i can't do anything but pray
i'm worried at most
(if things turn out to be the only way for which heaven is your next destination then i could only send ton of prayers for your everlasting peacefulness, something you've strived in this life, and now you are about to be rewarded forever)
(if things seem to be reckless at the beginning, now it is flawless at the ending)
(our Dear Lord has saved a decent place for you in heaven)
i'm worried...
i'm worried if what doctors said turns out to be true that hours are now being counted as your presence to this world is limited till thursday early morning when hopelessness is the only word to describe you and the world
i'm worried...
i'm worried if my last visit of 2.5 months ago would turn out to be our final moment of being together for which all tears seemed to have been dried up as no weep left to shy that anguish of that day
i'm worried...
i'm worried if last night's call which ended up unaswered was the only token that you had nothing left to say as nothing more to comment because this misery was too much to carry on when life seems to be least meaningful
i'm worried...
i'm worried at most by now
i'm worried if you might leave me at any minutes from now
i'm worried i can't do anything but pray
i'm worried at most
(if things turn out to be the only way for which heaven is your next destination then i could only send ton of prayers for your everlasting peacefulness, something you've strived in this life, and now you are about to be rewarded forever)
(if things seem to be reckless at the beginning, now it is flawless at the ending)
(our Dear Lord has saved a decent place for you in heaven)
Monday 1 December 2008
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